The FIRST DRAFT... bum bum bum.

[sinclair_furie]

Well, here is the first draft of the story I was talking about. It's three and a half pages long, be warned .

“Farewell for Now”

Somewhere in the Albans sector, the private yacht Rycon was cruising. She was traveling quite slowly, and her destination impossible to guess given the seemingly arbitrary course corrections, but cruising she was. Designed to hold up to sixty souls, she had simulated gravity for the lodging and dining areas and one of the finest shipboard computers one could buy for a civilian ship, legally or not. At present she was at one thirtieth her capacity- she held exactly two persons. Unless you didn’t count Kieran, but most did because he required all the sustenance ordinary humans did. Together with Taike, he made up the entirety of the Rycon’s crew of twelve years.

Onboard the Rycon, breakfast was served. A dim glow illuminated room and revealed its only inhabitant. He was sitting alone at the table. She still wasn't up. He waited for twenty minutes in silence, and finally came to a decision. It took him less than a second, but it was an eternity for a humaniform. He stood up, fighting what was inside him, and slowly walked to her cabin.

He waited outside the door, more out of courtesy than anything. He knew what he would find and what she would say. He had been dreading this moment since the day twelve years ago he had escaped with Taike in his arms, then an orphan in grave danger. Pausing for a few seconds to confirm his decision was the only viable one, he knocked and slowly opened the door.

Awake as he had expected.  In fact, she was sitting upright on her bed, lost in thought. She barely looked up as he walked in.  “Took you long enough to notice I was missing,” she commented sardonically.

Raising his eyebrows and leaning against the doorframe, he replied, “I assumed you slept late.”

“I didn’t.” Silence. “But of course you knew that, didn’t you, Kieran?” She shifted to face him. He continued to watch her intently and she found herself wondering, not for the first time, what exactly went on behind those icy blue eyes. Sometimes she doubted what her ‘ractive tutors told her, that he felt no emotion. At times he seemed to her complex beyond comprehension. “Well,” she continued, “I came to a understanding when I woke up this morning. I am slowly going insane on Rycon with you.” She put a sardonic emphasis on “slowly.”

“The nearest star system has several planets of interest.  Lysthea, I think, will be the one you prefer. Society of aristocrats, 80% water coverage, enough culture and intrigue to satisfy you, I think.”

She narrowed her eyes with suspicion.  Twelve long years it had been, twelve years of just the two of them and her ‘ractive tutors on the shipboard computer.  “What is this? Aren’t you going to object?” She paused, as a new idea came to her. “Can you even refuse my requests, Kieran? Did they program you with that much free will?

Smiling, he replied, “I am sure anyone would have a hard time refusing you, Taike.”

She inhaled deeply, ran her hands through her hair, and exhaled. “Alright. Let’s go,” she laughed in disbelief.

Breakfast they had in silence, though Taike was bubbling with excitement. She kept pausing, as if to say something about his abrupt decision, but decided against it. On the other hand, Kieran ate quickly and revealed nothing of the memories that were coursing through his brain. He was organic in every sense of the word- the vast majority of detectors would swear him to be a true human. But in place of human irrationality he had a prevailing logic and strict adherence to his orders, and in place of the human brain he had something far, far better. Still, just like Taike, he wondered sometimes. For surely his sense of loss whenever he looked at Taike went beyond the resignation he felt at compromising her security. Surely it had to.

The course correction was anti-climatic. Soon they decelerated to non-relativistic speeds and Kieran sent a relay to the Lysthean landing authorities, requesting permission on behalf of the Lady Tarayne. That was the safest alias for his young mistress, and the one he knew she would chose.

The reply came while she was reading up on Lysthea. They had permission to land at the seaside port city of Helia, but would the Lady give the governor the honor of a short video conference when they moved into orbit? Taike impatiently signaled her assent and resumed her research.

"Kieran," she called from the display. "You're in trouble. Humaniforms are required to wear the red armband on Lysthea." He glanced at her briefly, half smiling.

"Don't worry. They won't be able to tell me from the real thing." He looked down, pensive, then walked away.

He wasn’t sure why the Lysthean law struck him as some sort of divine irony. Many of the more xenophobic colonies, especially those with aristocracies as complex as Lysthea required the distinguishing mark. ‘As if they are weapons,’ he recalled her father telling him. ‘As if you are somehow less deserving, less real than a human being.’ He mulled on this for a while as he packed for the both of them and returned to the control room

“Have you chosen which alias you will adopt?” he asked.

“I shall be Lady Tarayne, daughter of a rich but obscure noble of the planet Menay. They will treat me with all the deference they would give a rich Albans merchant, but with none of the curiosity they display towards their own royalty.” She glanced at him, eyebrows raised and smiled smugly. “They shall never know I’m lying. Fools.”

Something about her manner made him snap. Somewhere among the thousands of circuits and synaptic connections, a command was overridden and he found himself free to speak.

“And what shall I be?” he demanded. “Your pilot? Your friend? Your lover?”

Taken aback by the unprecedented display of emotion, she blinked and then recovered. She walked up to him, bronze skin flushed and replied coldly, “You shall be my humaniform.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he fired back automatically.

“Yes, it is. I want you to wear the armband, Kieran. The red one, the one that distinguishes between living human and non-living machine. And don’t tell me it’s for my own safety that you put up these pretenses. I want you to wear it, and you will wear it.” She crossed her arms and waited for the objections.

“Very well,” he replied. His face did not reveal the turmoil in his mind akin to pain. “If that is your wish, I will wear it. Video contact with Lysthea space patrol in half an hour; I’ll go set it up now.” He sat down at the controls and silently began configuring the instruments for the introductory video conference.

They passed the next hour in stony silence, waiting for the ship to reach orbital distances. The crackling on the screen indicated they were there, and Taike quickly switched on the screen to begin communications.

The face of the governor filled the display. He was surprisingly young- forty, Kieran would estimate. He smiled at Taike and greeted her. “Welcome, Lady Tarayne. That’s quite a ship you’ve got there!”

Smiling shyly, Taike replied, “I told my father I wanted to see the famed Albans sector. He was concerned for my safety so he gave me a year and this ship to do it in.”

Nodding, the governor continued, “I understand you will be bringing someone with you when you land?”

“Oh, no, just my humaniform,” Taike corrected. From there they moved to introductions.  Taike was happy and animated, skillfully lying about her childhood on Menay. She was barely a woman, blooming from child to adult, charming the governor and lightening his heart.

Kieran had never seen her like this. On the ship with him she was always more subdued, more antagonistic and touchy, sometimes incapable of understanding her situation. But he had created her, really, taught her to be like this, through the lessons and the endless interactive tutors. He found an odd comfort in her newfound happiness, in her vibrancy and enthusiasm.

‘Keep her happy,’ the old man had told him. ‘You I can trust- should anything happen, keep her happy and keep her safe.’ Kieran shook himself mentally and exited the memory, returning his attention to the present-day Taike. He took the controls as she finished her conversation, sparkling with excitement.

Deceleration was bumpy but quick, and soon they were coasting.  Kieran maneuvered the ship to Helia and locked it to the docking station they had been assigned. They landed on the water and slowly the Rycon made her way to the first port she had seen in more than a decade.

A dainty bump near the door, then the ship was docked.  Light flooded in from the port city of Helia as the doorway opened; in the distance Taike could hear the hustle and bustle of everyday life. She stepped out before him, taking in her first sight of a foreign world. He stepped up formally, offered her his arm and they made their way slowly down the stairs to where the governor was waiting to greet them. She had been on the Rycon for too long.

The stairway was black and enclosed by a clear chamber: through it Kieran observed other docked spaceships and the waves gently lapping the shore.  He knew it was the modern equivalent of the quarantine room, for he could detect the sensors and breathalyzers unobtrusively hidden throughout the chamber.  Shaking his head, he smiled inwardly at the aristocratic obsession with decorum.

Frowning when he saw Kieran, the governor greeted them. “Welcome, Lady Tarayne! You are even lovelier in person.” He shook their hands, and then leaned towards Taike. “Forgive me, but is this your pilot? I thought you were only bringing your humaniform.”

Taike smiled and replied, “Yes, this is my humaniform Kieran. He’s an Auren model.” That was as close to the truth as she could get, anyway.

“Ah,” the governor replied, glancing at the armband Kieran had donned. He gave her his arm and they started walking out, Kieran following. “Well, milady, I was contemplating inviting you to the Noble’s quarter,” he told her as they left the dock, “but you’ll have to leave your humaniform in the maintenance area. We only permit human servants inside.”

Surprised, Taike replied graciously, “Certainly. I would be honored.” The Noble’s quarter entrance was guarded by several security robots. After they were security checked they entered into a waiting room of sorts.

“Well, milady, this is the maintenance area.” He paused, and started walking towards the door, leaving Taike alone with Kieran.

She smiled at him and said, “This is goodbye for now, Kieran. I’ll be staying in the sector for a while, but they’ll let you know when I return.” She paused, and continued at a lower volume. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

He nodded, his eyes sad, and kissed her farewell on her cheek.

As she walked away, she took the governor’s arm, laughing and joking. Love and joy filled him and he mouthed, “Goodbye, Taike.” He knew from now he had no control over what happened to her, that this moment was the beginning of the end.  From here on what he did would no longer matter; so he let go. Slowly, the governor and she disappeared into a sea of faces and colors. She did not look back.

His blank face showed no sign of his pain or anger.

And for those of you who should be editors, want to be editors, are editors, took a weird fancy to it or just want to give feedback...

1. How plausible is it, in the frameof the setting?
2. What do you think of the characters?
3. How do you think Kieran feels about Taike?
4. Do I build up the sexual tension enough?
5. How do you interpret the ending?
6. Is Kieran not a sexy name?
Comments, suggestions, raving reviews and crushing critism also accepted.  :)

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_winterlost/]

Hmm. For someone who usually shudders at Sci-Fi stories, I found that unusually interesting and your characters entirely believable.

1. How plausible is it, in the frameof the setting? Very. I like the setting on the ship Rycon (a very shippish name) with all the details and such. And the names of all the countries are lovely. I particularly enjoyed how you described Lysthea, "society of aristocrats, 80% water coverage, enough culture and intrigue". Very nice. But I think that, when they actually reach the port, you could give a little more physical description of the planet? Oh I don't know. Maybe science fiction doesn't require much imagery, but I like being given a mind-picture of grand things. ;)

2. What do you think of the characters? Excellent. They're both very non-transparent, and I like that. Though you have to be careful not to make Kieran into one of those stereotypically cold and emotionless men, at the risk of becoming a rather predictable character. Taike is awesome. One of those characters with multiple-facades-- I love those.

3. How do you think Kieran feels about Taike? I'll come back to this later... I'm supposed to be doing my econ commentary now, so I'm doing the easy questions first. ;p

4. Do I build up the sexual tension enough? Yes, you did. Very effectively because it leaves readers in uncertainty and wonder.

5. How do you interpret the ending? Pass, again.

6. Is Kieran not a sexy name? Very sexy.

[sinclair-furie.livejournal.com]

1) I need to work on my description skills, so I'll try and add stuff. And scifi varies on description, just like all other genres.
2) The thing about the emotionless thing is that I'm positing that robots can come to feel emotion but that they'll have to fight to let it out. Because their logical side is telling them it'll cause harm etc. Perhaps more introspective emotion?
pffft econ commentary.
rycon i "stole" from battlestar galactica. It's an obscure ship they mention once and I really like it.

[kardias-mou.livejournal.com]

Have you updated the story? I mean this is titled your first draft so Im not sure if you have a newer version out. If so I would like to read that instead.

[sinclair-furie.livejournal.com]

Edited.
That was ages ago, though, I'm not sure I still like it. I spent a few months getting lost in that world and then I guess I lost interst...
Other fiction here, btw.